Bitches Be Trippin'

I have a confession to make. I am a soccer mom. And I drive a minivan. And I'm crazy. I've recently realized that one leads to the other. I can't decide which comes first, the soccer or the crazy, but let me tell you, it's there.

3 of my kids played soccer this fall. My youngest soccer boy is 4. I affectionately call this age group The Cattle League. There's really no passing or shooting or dribbling or ball handling of any kind. They run around in packs of 6 (3 from each side) chasing the ball, and then kicking it in whatever direction they happen to be facing. Or, in Noah's case, packs of 5, with him running behind because heaven forbid he get involved. The parents cheer and laugh and fun is had by all.

I have another boy in soccer, aged 9. At that age, they actually pass the ball, stay in their positions and seem to grasp the concept of the game. Even still, the parents are laid back and just enjoy the game. They are not above yelling "Great save, goalie!" even if the goalie just prevented their kid from scoring. They laugh together when one boy sticks his butt out and starts rubbing it. (I'm very proud.) They cheer the kids on as far as "take it down" "way to go" "good pass" etc, but don't take it upon themselves to give instructions or bark orders, they leave that to the coaches.

Then, there's my daughter's bracket. She's 7. SEVEN. Their skill level is somewhere between the 4 and the 9. They pass, they shoot... they don't stop that many goals, so they are usually rather high scoring games. It's the parents that blow my mind. I know it's not the age, because if at 9 they aren't that competitive, they sure aren't at 7. My conclusion is that mother's of girls are C-R-A-Z-Y. Case in point: Pageant Moms. You've seen those nutcases on Dr. Phil, surely. Fake teeth, fake hair, plastic surgery, etc etc, just so their kid will WIN. I don't know if these mothers were beaten as children, or ugly, or fat or WHAT, but holy crap they are nuts.

I had the misfortune of arriving semi-late and the only place to set up my chair ended up being between 2 of the mothers from the team my daughter was facing. No big deal for any other game, I certainly don't feel the need to spit in the face of the opposing team's fans or anything, it's just a recreational soccer league. No playoffs, no "champion", they don't even really keep score that closely. Let me tell you this... These.Bitches.Were.Nuts.

They did not stop screaming the entire game. My daughter's team lost like 8-1 or something like that. No big deal, none of them were upset by it, I certainly don't feel defeated, etc. I will admit that when a game is close, I get more involved than I would in an 8-1 game, regardless of who has the 8. But these parents, holy smokes! And the coach! Did not stop yelling at these girls the ENTIRE game. And I don't mean "good job, honey!" "great defense!" or anything like that. I mean YELLING AT THEM. Even when they were up 5-0. YELLING AT THEM. Scolding them for not doing what they felt they should. I felt horrible for these girls, they were obviously playing well, since they were winning by a hundred or so goals. Why not ease up on them and let them enjoy the rest of the game? Clearly they were insane. On a side note: What is the point of yelling "KICK IT!!" at a soccer game. As if they never thought of that. "Ohhhh... I could KICK it!!! What a GREAT idea, Thanks Mom!!" Idiots, all of 'em.

On another side note: The coach's daughter scored her very first goal during this game. We were losing about 8-0 at this point, so the goal she scored wasn't the game winner, really had no impact on the game at all. But her dad, the coach, was so excited that he RAN out on to the field after she scored and scooped her up in his arms to congratulate her. I'm getting weepy just typing this out.

That is what this should be all about. That was damn near about the sweetest thing I've ever seen happen in a soccer game. And, in my opinion, how it should be. Stop yelling at your daughters, and cheer them on... win or lose.