If I Was President

Tummy tucks and boob lifts would be included in the price of child birth.

There would be 28 hours in a day. Except, women would legally be allowed to tranquilize their kids and spouses during the extra 4.

When Bill Gates, Oprah, The Waltons (from Wal-Mart, not Jon-Boy) would all be forced to contribute a gazillion dollars each that I would use to build big ass homeless shelters like hospitals. Anyone who needed one would get a room and 3 meals a day and health care. And I'd only skim a couple million dollars off the top for myself.

Stay at home mothers of more than 3 would get government provided weekly housecleaning. More than 4 would get a sitter/housekeeper 2 days a week.

Everyone on my block would plant flowers in the spring and water their lawns.

Everyone who doesn't speak english would have 3 hours to get the hell out. Anyone from any country would still be allowed to come here, but only if they learned how to speak english first. (I don't care how you feel about my rules, it's my blog and my pretend country, so shut it.)

My husband would get a trillion dollar a year raise.

It would be illegal to wear sandals without your feet being clean and pedicured. I do not need to see your dirty funky toes. And, the pedicure would need to be kept current. One fleck of polish remaining on your big toe does not qualify. To jail with you!

Clothing manufacturers would no longer be allowed to make anything revealing in any size bigger than 14, and even 14s would be subject to approval. No one wants to see flab hanging out of every opening of your tiny little top and skimpy skort. Stop it now. Furthermore, they would be required to make clothes 14+ actually attractive. Just because someone is overweight does not mean they are an 85 year old grandmother from biguglyflowerland.

All US citizens would be allowed to murder 1 person in their lifetime. Pick carefully.

Vote Angie 2008!

#1 - Get a new sewing machine

We'll start small. I need a new sewing machine badly. Why is it that I can spend $2000 in a week buying this and that, but I can't pony up $200 for a new sewing machine? Lets discuss my current one...

My grandmother bought it around 1984 at Montgomery Ward. Remember that shit hole? I remember the lady showing us that it could sew through denim and leather, because apparently those were hot features back in the 80s. Must sew your own fringed leather jacket, or something.

Today... it doesn't really even sew through AIR consistently. It skips stitches, comes unthreaded, gets tangled, and generally just pisses me the hell off.

Why do I want a new sewing machine? I don't sew. If pants need hemmed, which I hear is about the easiest clothes alteration there is, they go to the tailor. Shirt get a hole in it? Time to buy a new one! No, the reason I want another one is so that I can sew on my layouts without swearing. I've nearly ruined several with this piece of crap sewing machine.

I sew on nearly every layout I do. And I do at least 1 a day, sometimes more. This is much swearing. I don't have enough Prozac to deal with this machine any longer.

Make me buy a new one. It's just $200. I spend that every couple days on whoknowswhat at Walmart and Target.

35 Things to do before I die

I recently had to do a layout of 35 things I wanted to do before I die (one for each year old I am... damn it not still being 19). It was really hard to come up with 35, but I eventually did. So, I think I'm going to start doing some entries about them. Some pretty much speak for themselves, but I can always find ways to blather on about things. So, stay tuned for 35 things I want to do before I die!

Meet Sophia

Sophia is my new suitcase. Yes, I gave it a name. LOOK AT IT! It totally deserves one!!!

Now that I am big jetsetter, I decided I needed a new suitcase. Not to mention a smaller one, since most of my trips are 2 days or less.

If I were to have a dream of the most fabulous and divine suitcase ever possible, that one would be about half as awesome as Sophia.

I LOVE YOU SOPHIA!



P.S. Sophia has an MSRP of $360. All the more reason to love her. I got her for less than $70!

Old Buzzard

I live in what I consider to be a small town. It's only a small town to me because I grew up in a bigger one. One that had 2 high schools and 75k+ people. And it was one of the smaller ones around.

So, it was a bit of a change of pace for me to move to this town, but I love every minute of it. It's truly the best of both worlds. We have the small town mentality where you can leave your doors open and your car running and your bike outside and no one messes with anything. But we still have all the conveniences of city living; Target, Wal-Mart, 3 grocery stores, Home Depot, etc. And what we don't have here, I can get to in 20 minutes. Except Trader Joes, who really need to put a location here and complete my life. Hear me, TJ? I need better access to cheap wine and good food! Chop Chop!!

For the most part, it's easy to forget there are only 25k people here, and that the high school serves all the surrounding cities (it's utterly huge... 6,000 students, even a lacrosse team. Who has a lacrosse team? This is Ohio.). I get reminded from time to time when I notice a rabbit in my front yard, or geese in the backyard, but for the most part, it feels like home with a bigger house.

Then, there is Hinckley. Hinckley is the town adjacent to mine. About a 5 minute drive from my house, right on the other side of the entrance to I-71. Within 3 minutes of leaving my house, you're in a wooded area with a few smatterings of house here and there, but very wilderness-y for the most part. Which is one of the things I love about this place! Then you pass 71 and find Hinckley. You'll know you are there when you see the cows. Not to be confused with the sheep, who are actually on my way to the grocery store. Continuing on, there's a house with a swimming pool in the front yard. I don't know why they have a swimming pool in their front yard. It's not a small one, either. One of those big round ones. Also, they never use it. It was covered all last summer. Very odd indeed.

Continue into the town of Hinckley and you'll see all the action. They have a corner store. More like an old country store, and I don't mean that in the quaint and well-kept Cracker Barrel way, either. Oh, and a bank. I guess so you can get money before you go to the store.

They do, however, have something worth seeing. A great bunch of parks! Beaches, lakes, etc. There is one park the kids like going to that has a little lake with beaches on both sides. When I say little, don't take it as an exaggeration. The kids can walk all the way across it, and still hear my voice. And, yes, I said WALK across it. It's only about 3 feet deep at the deepest part. It's perfect for us as I only have 2 eyes and 5 kids.

Yesterday, I learned something about Hinckley that I found fascinating. In that train wreck kind of twisted way.


The Buzzards Return


Every year on March 15 since 1957, the city of Hinckley Ohio has eagerly awaited the return of the buzzards at "Buzzards' Roost" at the Hinckley Reservation, part of the Cleveland Metroparks.

Apparently, they always some back to the same place ON THE SAME DAY. How do they know??? And why are they so ugly?

Shove THAT up your duodenum!

{school} I have studied my ASS OFF this week. Hear that America? New diet plan! Study your ass right off! Sadly, it doesn't work. But neither do any of the other ones, so why can't I have my millions like everyone else?

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh studying. I took my 2nd exam yesterday. First biggie. Totally aced it. I think I did, anyway. I'm going to be suicidal if I find out I missed an I somewhere in every word and got 12% or something. I'm pretty sure I only missed 1 or 2. Out of 60. Go me. So much less stressful when you're prepared! Now I'm onto the cardiovascular system. I'm trying to force myself to take today off from the whole ordeal today, but I'm too paranoid about falling behind. Which, considering Spring Break is next week, probably won't happen, but it's my blog and I'll be a crazy obsessive bitch on it if I want to!

BRB have to go potty.

Back.

Guess I didn't need to tell you that, you'd have never known I was gone. Oh well, I slaved over a hot keyboard typing all this in, and you're going to read it!

{store} Last few weeks of the Sassavivor contest. Only 26 contestants remain (I think we originally had 90 apply, but only 56ish came back to complete the first challenge. So, we're down to less than half of the original number, and the competition is getting intense. These women are extremely talented and cranking out some first class work. I expect to see many many of them in magazines this year. And I plan to take full credit when I see those GRIP layouts for inspiring that idea. =)

{scrapping} I have been a scrapping foo' this week. I bet I've done over 10 layouts this week. Mostly Cherry Arte. Once I got my stash of that out, I have been out of control. Did 2 layouts for 3KPScrap from the page kits, and then dipped into my own stash and really let loose. Here are the last couple I have done from them. Love them. The 2nd one is pretty much a scraplift of my own layout from last week, but whatEVER!





I've also completed every layout in Lora's March Madness contest. That's 10 this month so far! Whew!

{poop} Noah still very resistant to the potty, but that's another post. This is about poop and the Fed Ex man. Yesterday, I was mailing a Sassacraft package out. As I was opening the front door, I turned to Noah on the couch and said "Do you have poop in your butt?". Imagine my surprise when I turned back to the door to find the Fed Ex man standing there with a package for me. What timing. He was looking very upset/confused/scared/ready to bolt. Pretty funny to me, though.

Have a great weekend! I'll be doing exciting stuff like scrapbooking and studying. I'm so wild.

When *I* was a kid....

Got this from my ex. That alone should tell me that I shouldn't repeat it. But it really is funny! Wish I'd written it, then that would mean I was funny. Alas.

-----------

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways... yadda, yadda, yadda.

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ's usually talked over the beginning and F'd it all up!

And talk of about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to steal it from your brother or bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11!

Those were your options!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, the pig you slept with the night before that you never wanted to see again, you just didn't know!!!

You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics!! We had Atari! With games like "Space Invaders" and "asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!
.. Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there was no such thing as stadium seating. All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!

Some of us, who had parents that weren't dead beats, were fotunate to get cable television, but back then it was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!

You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire ... imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,

The 30 Something crowd

Blah Blah and Knock Knock

Life is full of excitement. Studying, cleaning carpets, wiping noses, etc. Fun stuff, I tell ya.

I'll try to highlight some of the finer points of my week and hope you don't fall asleep or die.

I picked out my new bedding. I think. I love love love the quilt, but I can't find it in a king size. We're getting a Queen bed, but we are both such cover whores, that I think we'd fare better with a king quilt. It says King in the description on the website, but none available to purchase. I went to the store and looked, and they also only had the full/queen. So I'm waffling. I have a 20% coupon, so at least I could save some money on it, but I hate to buy it if I'm not going to be happy with it. Here's the quilt.

It's Hamilton by Nautica. If you find it in a King, I'll give you a dollar.

Also... they have coordinating pillow shams. They only have them in standard, and we have king pillows (we're just king size people, back off), so I'm not going to buy them anyway, but can someone please tell me why I can buy the entire quilt for $139, but one freakin STANDARD SIZE PILLOW SHAM is $49.99? WTH seriously.

I have to paint the bedroom to match said quilt, naturally. Sherwin Williams loves me. Of course, there is wallpaper in there. Lets hope Alec starts acting up in school again so I can make him take it down. Oh.. I'm sure they had professionals come in and paint and wallpaper that room... the closet doors are even painted. I'm not in the mood, nor do I have the time, to paint all those little tiny shutters. Not to mention the sanding and priming. Would I be a pretentious bitch if I hired painters? I mean a bigger pretentious bitch than I already am, of course.

Enough about my bedroom, this is the most action it's seen in a while anyway.

School is... school. I don't know what the hell I was thinking signing up for this class. Sometimes I think it would have been easier if I'd taken it on campus instead of online, but how boring would that class be? Do we just sit in class and throw flash cards at each other? Going Thursday to take the first BIIIG test. So not ready, probably won't ever be. I seriously don't see why I need to know what the hell a Hepatocholedochoduodenostomy is. (Sadly, I do know.)

Scrapbooking is still fun. Although I did a layout yesterday that is so ass ugly. It was supposed to be monochromatic green. Well, it is that. But oy. I need some better green papers. Maybe I'll get that KMA Dirty Laundry, there's greens in there, I think. Actually, maybe it's not my patterned paper I hate, but the cheesy cardstock I used. Anything not Bazzill is just not worthy. I'll work on it. I also did one yesterday that I love love love. But you have to go check it out at Lora's Site because she's mean and won't let me post it anywhere else. (She's my one reader, so I can't call her REAL names!)

Noah is obsessed with Knock Knock jokes. I can't tell you how annoying that can get. He's lucky he's cute. Of course, if he wasn't, I'd have thrown his ass out a year ago for refusing to potty train, but that's another post for another day when I'm way more medicated than I am now.

So, I'm bored with the same 3 knock knock jokes. He tells me, then I have to tell him back. If you have any good ones (?), let me know! Yesterday I made up my own. Worse than the ones he has been telling, but he thought it was simply hilarious. So, in case you're 3, I'll leave you with it.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ahh
Ahh Who?
Bless You

Thank you! You've been great!

To the girl in this song:

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
F**king high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

Ditch the guy on the subway. He doesn't appreciate you, and he's probably cheating on you anyway. QUIT BEING SUCH A HEARTLESS BITCH! THIS GUY THINKS YOU ARE AN ANGEL SENT BY ANOTHER ANGEL!

I am a dirty, dirty, filthy girl.

So I'm sitting here scrapbooking, doing an AAM page for the month long contest at My Scrap Shak and listening to the Yahoo Music Engine, which is pretty cool after you rate like 14 million songs, which I have. A song comes on, and I'm bouncing along, which is odd for me for a song I never heard before. I usually hate them the first couple times.

So, I decide, 'hey, I like this song!' and I glance over to see what/who it is.

If you repeat this, I will deny it until I am dead.

It was Lindsay Lohan.

I'm not sure if I should just kill myself, or what.

Motherhood Suspicion

Noah, now in his 14th year of potty training, is still too stubborn to actually use the toilet. Or maybe too lazy. But, he gets really annoyed whenever he wets his pants (oddly, having a deuce the size of a Buick in them doesn't seem to bother him at all). So, as any mother would, anytime he cries, I start screaming "DID YOU WET YOUR PANTS?", to which he enevitably answers "I don't knooooow". Why I haven't killed him is beyond me. Of course, he's mostly pee trained, so 80% of the time I'm falsely accusing him.

Today, it was Sean's turn. He walked over to me with this brown goopy drool all down the front of his shirt and pants. I, being the calm and rational woman I am, immediately started searching the room and all surrounding ones that he can't even get to because they are gated off for the steaming pile of vomit he surely left behind.

After 10 minutes of this, I realized that the 'vomit' smelled suspiciously like a peanut butter cookie.

Apparently he saved the one I gave him yesterday and enjoyed it this morning. Enjoyed it all over himself, at that.